An update?

Hello,

I kind of forgot I had a blog. Heh! Well, seems like as good a time as any to do an update. I think something I'm getting used to is that I'm never really a person who 'wows' people. I've been very impressed with the people who do take an interest, because they're always extremely cool and interesting people. But most people: "that's nice." Even if it's not supposed to be nice. *sigh*

I think a lot of it might have to do with my personality, which is not very 'zazzy' I guess.

Perhaps if I keep trying, I will become good enough that I can't be ignored any longer. Until then... blegh.

All the kids are doing it

Hello. All my friends are making art blogs now, so I should do the same. This Friday I was getting unnaturally dejected about school. I have so much trouble articulating anything about my artwork verbally, textually, and I couldn't understand why. If I have made the art, and I know what I'm doing, why is it so hard to talk about? It took me several hours and a LOT of talking with my loved ones, but it dawned on me.
When I began a piece of artwork, it always starts with a vague visual impression. "A boy touching a snake," "Cannibals at a table," etc. I think about this image, maybe draw it, and then I begin wondering what it means. The cannibals can become symbols for greed, therefore capitalism. Asking me to talk or write about my artwork is necessarily asking me to convert visual language into something concrete. It makes sense in my head, because I'm thinking about it in vague, visual terms. Francis Bacon said "If you can talk about it, why paint it?" Something that is vague and visual is going to naturally cause people to associate with the piece more strongly because they are required to put a certain amount of their own experience into it. They will make up their own story, and relate to it in their own way, which is exactly what I've been wanting to do all along!!
I absolutely hate the idea of a 'theme' that runs through all my art. I never do this. This implies that I've already decided what a painting is about before I've made it. I think this is an awful idea. If I already knew a painting was going to be about, say, class struggle, I'm going to work with hackneyed and cliched terms unless I really strive not to. This seems like a strained and foolish way to work, at least for myself. I'd rather see what my subconscious and aesthetic come up with, I am a part of the world so my subconscious is naturally going to be drawing from themes that already exist in society, so why force it?! How many great artists from the past had a theme in all their artwork? Did Manet have a consistent concept through each painting? I think this is purely a modern idea, and I hate it desperately. I think my own aesthetic and style will come through in each painting, and it seems ridiculous to try to come up with some intellectual jargon to excuse myself into doing what I wanted to do in the first place!!! Can't one just be interested in telling stories, and capturing imaginations? MUST you have some ridiculous conceptual basis for everything you do?!
I'm tired, so tired. I just want to do what's fun and what's engaging. I want people to look at my artwork and be curious, I want them to spend longer than that famous two seconds looking. I want them to wonder and to make up their own stories. What I have to say, what my interpretation of my own artwork is, that's bullshit! It doesn't matter to anyone but me. We're supposed to have artist statements to explain ourselves to the world, and it's ever so cliched for someone to say 'my artwork should speak for itself.' BUT IT'S TRUE!!! I can blather on in a statement and give you some manifesto, but frankly I don't care if anyone actually reads it. What's the worst that's going to happen? Someone doesn't understand something, someone has the 'wrong' interpretation? I don't give a shit! Really I don't! I'd rather they have some sort of personal experience with it, no matter if it doesn't gibe with what I had intended! A certain painting of mine was supposed to have a sexual connotation that no one has ever noticed on their own, but I throw my hands up. I don't care, it's my own secret.
It feels silly. I have to be passionate about something I am actually ambivalent towards. I would make paintings and art for myself and my closest friends and associates exclusively, so caring about my 'audience' doesn't factor in at all. My audience is whoever would like it! I'm not going to change what I do, so why does it matter who it's for? I quite frequently make stories and comics and drawings that no one but myself, and maybe one other person sees. I don't care, I'm just as happy with it as art I have displayed publicly. I don't think anyone expects to make money off art these days, and being famous seems like a comical pipe-dream. We must all pretend that we are 'art star' hopefuls however, and go through the motions.
I don't like talking in critiques, I'd rather hear what other people notice. I know what I think already, and the idea is to get advice, not to sell my classmates on my work. Now I regret not talking though, as we're expected to be able to hold a glass of wine in one hand pontificate effusively about our genius. Fuuuuuck it.

The End

As for my project at least. I have created a mini comic that I will post shortly about my experience. I'm kind of sad that it was only in the last week or two that I regained my steam, and became less depressed about this all. I think if I'd been in a better mood in general, my setbacks would have seemed less annoying and wounding. Well, cheers occult creatures, where-ever you may frolic.

Agrippa

As I work on my comic, I have also been reading some Agrippa. You can read along with me here.
I was interested to read about magic from a classical time period, and had originally thought to read the Grand Grimoire, despite the English language translation omitting sections, causing "every operation [to] turn to your disadvantage, confusion and total destruction." I may yet do this, but I was not prepared to be totally destroyed yet.
I wanted to read Agrippa due to it's association with Goethe's Faust, supposedly being something Faust had studied extensively. At first I was a bit put off by the very dense language, but began enjoying it more. It's obviously for very learned people of the time, who have a very good knowledge of mythology and literature, as it makes reference to either every other paragraph. It's more of a general text about magic, where the Grand Grimoire is a magic textbook. More of a 'non fiction' overview of magic, where the Grand Grimoire is a magic cookbook of sorts.
I enjoy poetry, so the constant quoting of Virgil and company is welcome and entertaining. I like the opening poem:

"Pragmatick Schoolmen, men made up of pride,
And rayling Arguments, who truth deride,
And scorn all else but what your selves devise,
And think these high-learned Tracts to be but lies,
Do not presume, unless with hallowed hand
To touch these books who with the world shall stand;
The are indeed mysterious, rare and rich,
And far transcend the ordinary pitch."

Reminds me very much of the first page of Dr. Faustus by Marlowe. At any rate, it's a good read, I've been learning more about mythology of all things, which I have not had a good chance to study. Like the words jovial, venereal, martial, and saturnine coming from the names of the planets/gods. Jupiter, Venus, Mars and Saturn, respectively. If I can find a mugwort, I may try a spell soon.

Ouija board

This entry has been too long in coming, I do apologize. This may be my last for a bit, though I hope to continue on with this project. I am going to be creating an auto-biographical comic book about my experience doing this research, and would like to post pages from it to this blog.

Weeks ago I had an experience with the Ouija board. At the Halloween tea party I threw, we used the Ouija board several times with different combinations of people. At first, I thought it was just amusing and was making dismissive quips as is my wont, and decided to cede control to other people. Mostly nothing exciting happened at all, the puck going off the board several times. I attempted to have an 'appropriate atmosphere' by using the glow in the dark board in the near dark at night. I was surprised that the party-goers seemed interested in continuing using it long after I had considered it a bust. Three girls used it for at least an hour, and while nothing exciting was recorded, they seemed genuinely at least slightly spooked. "Are you pushing it?" "No, aren't you?!"

I was surprised that it seemed that fun to people yet I was disappointed that nothing exciting happened. I've had it suggested to me that I should try it in different 'more haunted' locations but I am a bit too depressed about it to try further at the moment. Something I began realizing at the party was my intense desire to have these spooky experiences that others have, as puzzling as it may seem. Perhaps there is something about the inherent belief that appeals to me, or even just having a different emotion than the usual neutrality or anxiety that one experiences for the vast majority of life. I can't seem to even trick myself into feeling these emotions for more than a moment, the best I achieved was "Huh, wouldn't it be weird if that were true." I was reflecting on childhood and realized this was practically the attitude I had back then. The thrill of wondering was so tenuous even then, "what if it were true..." Most children don't think that way, I seem to be a natural skeptic. I think I've begun realizing why horror is the most appealing genre of all to me, far out-weighing all others.

I am an anxious person, like most people. At any given moment, I am neutral, anxious, stressed out, worried, tired or bored, or some combination thereof. The feeling of true fear is related, and yet it is fresh. Being fearful or nervous of some supernatural thing is exciting, and much more interesting than being worried about a homework assignment. I know the supernatural thing really isn't real, but for the moment I am pretending while enjoying some fiction, I can place my anxiety on an imaginary foe. That relieves my mind for at least that moment. The anxiety is so present that another emotion is too difficult, too much of a stretch and I just can't get to it as easily. I think the reason people like stories is to feel a different feeling than the one they've got, or to think about something other than what they're thinking of. Horror is easy for me, so it is more enjoyable.

I was joking in class that I am becoming an HP Lovecraft protagonist. I am off seeking nameless horrors for no other reason than "I want to." However, unlike these protagonists it is highly unlikely that some creature will snatch me away to his underground caverns to devour. However, should I disappear or die mysteriously, you will know the true reason-- monsters.

A special announcment

I hereby pause the academic proceedings to advertise an event: a Halloween Tea Party. If you are a Cornish student or employee, (which you probably are if you are reading this,) please come if you can! As you can see, there will be a Ouija board séance, I will record the events that take place afterwards, on this blog.
Facebook Event for this... event.

Ouija board, Ouija board...

I purchased a glow in the dark Ouija board yesterday, (actually my mom picked it up from Toys 'R' Us because I couldn't find any locally.) I gave it a try last night, hoping I might feel a little scared or nervous, like I did when I was a kid.
I goofed around trying to get it to say something sensible, but really had to reach to find anything. I'm going to be conducting a public séance on Friday, and I hope I get better results.
I tried to Google some tips, hoping I might find some entertaining questions I could ask the board, but found mostly "I heard this scary story..." "Ouija boards are dangerous" and "You might contact a demon!" I can't believe that this is the sort of thing that people still believe to this day.
I certainly didn't have anything scary happen to me yet, I actually would rather that than getting a bunch of boring gibberish.
Worse yet, I couldn't muster even a feeling of slight apprehension, without even thinking about it. I really want to feel scared, or that there is anything supernatural in the world, but it seems I cannot change my feelings no matter how hard I might try.